bryce4_4

Today is another day.
I lay on my bed covered in my own fluids.
I think over and over again about the world.
What is this thing called "love"?
Is it something you can see?
Is it something that exists in the sky?
Is it me?
You?
I lay.
I walk through a crowd of love in my mind.
Yet I can't find it.
I look.
I see it everywhere.
Everyone gets it.
Everyone has that someone.
Yet I sit here in my body.
My fucking stupid body without one.
I see the same people.
All identical.
Holding hands.
I cringe.
I cannot un-see it.
Was I made with no one in mind by the Gods.
Was I made with everything except love?
They say "Oh you will find someone some day".
I say no.
Over and over again.
I say no.
I will say I'm autistic and they will say okay and in my mind I think more and more they are calling me a retard.
What if I get "love"?
Will they take that sexual advantage and treat me like a child?
Will they treat me like a sex slave and then punch me over and over again if I don't act what they want?
Why am I thinking about this?
Will I hurt someone over and over again and when I love them they say no?
Will they hurt me?
Am I ugly?
Why do I feel scared that all of that will happen?
What am I even?
What am I god?
Why is my mind so over flowing with this all the fucking time?
What is "love"?
Is it the vow to live with someone you want?
Or is it the vow to be beaten by them and like it because of sex?
Is it holding hands?
Or Rape?
Is it smiling?
Or is it frowning?
And then when I go back to those couples.
Those god damn couples.
They are attractive.
White boys in hoodies and Asian girls with so much make up.
I hate them so much.
I don't even think they would like me either.
He looks like a "bad boy" and she looks like a "phone girl".



Then when I finally come back to this moment.
I see death's door waiting for me.
In death's door.
That's where the lonely goes.
And in there.
I'm next in line.
But maybe I'm not.
Will there be anyone perfect for me?

Will she be lost in the world like me?
I wonder whose knees I will lay and see the sky on.

And when she kisses my cheeks with those soft lips, then finally I can give up sex and take love with me.
Real love.