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Current Mood: confused

he took my sticker off his guitar

i wonder if he knew i'd notice.
he took my sticker off his guitar.
and though we remained friends afterall
i wonder what it means at all.
is it he's announced we're done for good?
or just trying to forget me, really?
like, if every time he looked down at his guitar
there i was to stare back at him...
and remind him we're no longer one.

you know, i don't even want him back.
sincerely, i don't.
i like him, don't love him.
but it doesn't mean it didn't hurt to see it gone
a window closed, a path behind us, burried, shut, done.

he took my sticker off his guitar.
i wonder if he knew i'd notice.
because i did.
and now i don't know-
-what to quite do with it.

Current Mood: sad

Entry tags:

she.

To a someone who will never see this.

You say I've never loved you, yet I still love you and I do not think it will go away. That love I crave for you is insanely deep, deep in my soul, in my heart. It's like a fire, sometimes it's very low, sometimes very up, yet it shines, shines, because I love you, I love you.

I've never tried to fix you. I was scared and tried to understand you, understand why you act like that. I like to analyse people, you know. It says something to me. I do not have a voice, because it's a silence, so I watch. I watch watch and watch, like a detective, like a doctor.

I was angry, sad, despare and bloasted in emotions, when happened what happened. I'm a stupid and don't know how to care of my own emotions. I've never had a proper time to do that so, because I didn't matter. I still don't matter. That's what I think of myself. I never wanted to hurt you, but I did. And I wish I could heal these cuts, but it's okay if you want to heal them by yourself. Or by someone else.

I'm a stupid, because I can't fix things back to normal. I always something break. My hands are growing from my own ass, it seems. I'm just useless, I know. I always have been and I always will be. My mama was right, with whoever I am, I bring a bad luck. I'm like a Friday 13th, like a black cat going through street.

Trying to understand what everything is wrong with me completely destroyed me. Now I don't know who I am. I'm lost. Lost in the memories and feelings. Fully fragmented. A nothing. A no one. Just a meat with a skin. And a broken brain, totally broken brain.

I desperately need you, because I love you. I simply want you back into my life, I know, I'm selfish. But I fucked up this time. It won't be the same anymore, it won't be better. It hurts, because I realize how much I'm a loser, stupid loser who can't even make happy a person who loves the most. I'm truly a disaster. I wish I was never born.

Everything and everyone I touch I ruin. I deserve to cut my hands, my arms, my whole body. My stupid, ugly body. To cover in a blood, and then in scars. At the end, I'm just a meat with a skin. At the end, I'll soon die, somewhere alone.

I'm sorry. I'm a monster, I know. It's okay. Monster will soon go to sleep forever. And then, I think, I will make you finally happy, because nothing will make you sad. Because I was making you all the time sad.

And that's my final act of a love.

I'll die for you.

Current Mood: apathetic

It will never be okay.

It feels like it will never be okay. It feels like I'll never properly heal; I'm forever fragmented and damaged. It feels like I'll never have my own place on this world, yet I crave it so much. I want to be a part of something, yet I'm so scared, so so so scared. No one really gets it, and it's even worse.

I'm scared, like a little child of a darkness. For adults it's nothing, just a stupid fantasy, but for a child it's a whole danger. And that's how I feel like. Like a little child.

I'm scared of this world, of these people. And yet, no one really seems to understand it. Everyone sees it as something... silly, or even dumb. Just grow up from your trauma, it will be fine. No, it won't be ever fucking fine. I've lost many, many people just because I'm such a loser who can't comunicate properly, who can't socialize, who can't do anything around people.

It's like I AM supposed to be alone. Alone forever. Because who will understand me? Who will hold me? Only I, no others. And knowing who I am, someday I'm gonna die, in unknown street, completely alone. And no one will find me. Or will, someone unknown who won't be shocked by my death.

It will never be okay.
I'll never be okay.

Current Mood: distressed
Current Location: room
Current Music: come play - stray kids and young miko

Entry tags:

i think i got into k-pop again for a reason

i dont think i’ll be able to be very ok this weeks without it :3
for some context, finals and final proyects are here HARD. ive been mostly finaling hard (this week i had the spanish/history test, a history quiz and the dreaded science test) and i suppose ive done well. nothing’s without its disappointments, as i had an awful 5/8 on today’s science test, but eh…i jst hope i did well on the physics part, bc last test i had an awful score and if i dont pass this one i may not pass physics and i cant pass science if i dont pass physics ;-;. im not concerned abt the other subjects, as i got perfects mostly on the midterm test. but i do hope the 3 questions i got wrong weren’t the physics ones, other wise im doomed.

ON THE SUBJECT OF THE FINAL PROYECTS. IM. SERIOUSLY. SO. PISSED. again, i got paired with some useless people, as if it wasnt enough to get paired with an useless girl last trimester (I SERIOUSLY HATE HER SM LIKE ISTG THE OTHER GIRL IN OUR GROUP WAS KILLING HERSELF WITH THE UN MODEL AND I WAS KILLING MYSELF WITH OUR PROYECT. AND WHAT DID SHE DO. NOTHING), i thought it would be better to partner up with some boys who only like me bc im smart and naive bc at least they make me laugh. but they seriously do nothing…ig ill jst designate them as my emotional support partners or smth, and ill make the proposal this weekend, and ig i’ll jst send them a video. i’ll enjoy today to do nothing and i’ll kms tomorrow. no choice ig. i’ll make a video for my useless classmates to explain them what i’ve come up with with the loquendo voice or smth.

i jst need to survive again…and i’ll be free from that until november which is fine for me :3.